There is so much hate I have for basically everything right now.

I can't for the fucking life of me pass biology. I just can't! No matter how hard I study, no matter how hard I "believe in myself", I get nowhere. And I'm not even talking like, scraping a B or an A or anything. I can't even get a freaking D in that class. My test averages have been consistently in the 30's and 40's. It's hopeless to study. This last test, I really believed it would be the first one I finally pass (70 or above). We got our multiple choice answer back and I only got an 18 out of 47. How is that even freaking possible?! I studied so hard and I understood it. I didn't fool around like all the kids at my table did and I earnestly tried to listen. Sherry gets her results back and she's bummed. She didn't even understand half the material and she didn't attempt to study because she thought there was too much. She got at least a 30 out of 47. What the hell?! So you're saying, me, who spent at least two hours on this crap every night and then you have her, who fell asleep for half of the lectures, I didn't even pass and she's complaining her's is too low? I can't take this! I'm so pissed off. I don't understand why I'm doing so terribly. I've prayed nonstop about this all year and of course God dosen't care about Katie's measly biology grade when he's concerned with others' getting into their dream Ivy Leage and UC schools and handing out free A's to people who've gotten them their entire life.  

I'm so so pissed off at Sherry. It feels like for the first time in my life I resent her. Our relationship, ever since fifth grade, has been well, an interesting one. She's one of those really impersonal people. I have never discussed anything deeper than cute boys with her. Talk about actual relationships? Religion? Politics? Psh. However, I'm totally fine withat. I realize you can't talk about the same things with all your friends and that some people are just meant to be "shopping buddies" or for guys, people you talk sports with. Or something. Whatever. But the thing is, I call this girl my best friend. She's not I guess, "personal" to ever utter the words "best friend" out loud. She's just... not like that, you know? I don't think she would ever say something like, "I appreciate you" or "What you did hurt my feelings" or just.... stuff like that, you know? But that's not the only thing bugging me. Recently, we both ordered from a website. Usually, when one of us wants something, we both pick things from that website to get free shipping. We always combine costs and stuff like that. Anyway, she told me about a website called urbanog. I picked out a pair of boots and asked if she wanted to order stuff too or if she thought something on that website was cute so I could get free shipping. She picked out the same boots as me, in the same color. Whatever, they're just shoes right? And I'm buying this with my credit card. Anyway, this is NOT okay with Sherry, she says I can't get them because we hang out too much and we can't have the same ones. So... like I said, they're just shoes, even though I wanted them first I honestly didn't care. I got about seventy other pairs of shoes at home. I ordered a dress instead. It's a month later and Sherry is doing this conjoined order thing with another friend of hers. Her friend told me that she was getting the same pair of boots as Sherry was and Sherry was buying it. Wait... what? I wasn't allowed to get the same pair of boots and this girl is? I'm just a little... wtf, right? I'm not pissed or angry, because they're just boots. I told Sherry that I didn't understand why she was allowed to get them and I wasn't. But honestly, I was NOT angry. I was just curious.

"I never said that."
Actually, you did. Why else would I currently not own them? Why would I even think this is a big deal?! Of course, I don't say that. I just respond with, "oops, I guess I forgot."
She also said, "next time, you could order from my credit card if affects you so badly. You didn't have to use yours. And it's not like I would have said screamed 'no' if you wanted the same pair."
Okay, I guess the problem is solved, right? Not really a "resolution" but at least it's not a snarky comment. It could have been alot worse. But with Sherry, you know what's geniune and what's not. I say, "thanks for apologizing. They're just shoes and you own them anyway, reguardless I'm glad we're over it" or something of that sort. But oh, that's not enough. (By the way, the main reason I wanted these specific boots was because my friend T had them. Or something similar to them. I thought they were cool so when I saw a version similar online I jumped at the chance. Whatever, seriously, I can't believe I'm blogging about fucking shoes.) AND THEN, just when I think it's all over, Sherry texts back:
"I asked T and she says she has a pair of booties and a brown pair. She dosen't have anything similar. I don't think I should apologize for doing anything cause I didn't do anything wrong."
Okay? First of all, I thought she did, but seriously, I don't care anymore? She had the fucking nerve to simply ask someone to confirm shoe styles? Seriously? She's the one with the shoes, not me, why is she continuing to add on to this? By now, I'm really pissed. I'm so angry that she's stubborn enough to carry this on. I never demanded an apology or anything. But this is what I say (I can't remember word for word),

"Why are you still arguing about this? Okay, you already have the damn shoes and I don't. You're right, as usual. I'm clearly dumb as shit if I can't identifiy two different shoes from another. As usual, you're right, I'm wrong."

Oh, just when I thought it was over, she tells me that she dosen't hang out with her other friend as much which justifies letting her order a similiar pair a compared to me, who hangs out with her alot.

UM.......

It's just sooooooooo irritating to be in a "fight" which isn't really a fight with your best friend. It really sucks not having someone who's known you since you were a dorky loser to talk about stuff with. An hour ago I texted back "I'm sorry I brought this up. You're completely right about everything. I shouldn't have acted in that way." She just texted back, "okay". I refuse to continue doing this. It is so completely worthless.

Ugh. Sometimes I feel like I have absolutely nobody to turn to. This senior year, I have lost all my best friends. All. Remember that cheese cube thing I posted about earlier this semester? These group of girls who I've been friends with since the summer told me they didn't like me and didn't like hanging out with me. There went one of my best friends. Weeks later, she denied ever telling me that. Just today, I had to attend a christmas party with her and those two chicks who I guess secretly hated me the entire time, even though we hung out like... daily. It was the most awkward thing ever. I don't know if they still think I'm annoying or whatever but it's so weird. I am not one of these girls anymore. I don't relate to them. They all have moved on and suposedly my "best friend" is going through problems I don't know about and they both are blah blah blah blah blah. I asked her about it and she just ignored me and kept talking.

Well. I know my place now. I'm not gonna fight it.

I have nobody to turn to.

A week ago Kevin and I talked for the last time. I was just soooo fed up with, even after the relationship was over, he wouldn't treat me like a friend. We both planned to be best friends if we ever broke up and booooy was I wrong. I was tired of always calling him, asking him about his day, finding him when he was lonely or sitting by himself, asking him to hang out and do fun shit with me. I was sooo tired of initiating because it seemed like only I was interested in keeping him in my life. And apparently I was right. I told him that he's being so completely selfish because he can't put our relationship behind us. He can't forget that he likes me for TWO seconds to be a good friend and listen to my problems. If I never asked him to hang out, there would be NO friendship ,there would be nothing.

"That's not true!" he said.

I stopped talking to him that day and returned the stupid letter he wrote me months ago. It's been a week and he hasn't once tried to contact me other than the lame "whats up" online. Well, that's the end of that friendship, I guess.

Oh, and he likes Sherry and Sherry and him have been hanging out since the summer. Before I even broke up with him. He even told her he didn't like me anymore during the summer. A few weeks ago I went to his house just to watch TV or something and there was soooooo much of her stuff in his room. I couldn't believe it. But like I said, Sherry and I don't talk about deep stuff (as if this would constitute as deep) so I never brought it up. It's fucking awkward when your best friend and ex-boyfriend want eachother.... you want nothing to do with it but at the same time you're just like, WHAT THE FUCK? Why HER? Why HIM? You made fun of him all while we were dating! You have heard every bitch and rant I have had about her while we were dating. Out of every single person in the world you guys pick eachother? WHY?!!

I'm not jealous, I'm just laughing at how ironic my entire fucking life is and how God likes to make coincidental situations to laugh at people with. Great.

The more I explain my predicament, my life looks more and more like a really poorly written soap opera.

Every time I feel like I don't have any one to turn to, my mom's always like, "talk to your church friends!" Yeah, well, I haven't had a real conversatoin with any of them since middle school. I can't fucking stand anyone at church. My two "best friends" I've had since I was younger have now decided to become soul sisters or something and it's just so....ugh! It's so fustrating! A second, I thought I was cool for going to a theme park with a person and the next I realize they have been visiting countries with eachother. I can't really keep up, you know? And since it's all so spiritual and religious around here it's not like I can bring it up and bitch about it. I promise I'm not bitter, and I'm not jealous and I'm not angry, but it's just like.... kind of lols how God is jerking my chain yet again.

Everyone hang out in different cliques and/or they're dating so it's too awkward to hang out with them.

It feels like the whole world has moved on without me. I'm ALWAYS out of the loop and I'm always the one people think last about. I seriously only have a handful of true friends, including the art table kids, but it's just like, what the fuck. How could my life get any more shittier? Even my sisters don't want to hang out with me. Last week I asked if they wanted to go shopping downtown (with their graduating older sister) but they rather hang out with their stupid friends that they hang out with EVERY DAY than me. Like I said, I'm not bitter or angry, but it's just really really really fustrating. 

All I have to say is, I'm gonna suck it up, keep my head down, just SURVIVE the rest of senior year. I'm gonna try my hardest not to care when I have nobody to talk to and just... endure. Next year I'll be in another state. I will start out fresh and new. I just gotta.. fucking pass senior year. Idk, I'll keep praying about this lameass biology situation but I'll probably end up dropping it. Ugh.

I guess by now I've realized who my best friends are, and it's the crew from the art table, girls I've befriended freshmen year. I'm glad I'm not completely lonely. I wish I could just speed up the school year and fucking graduate. Like I've already blogged about a million times before, I can't WAIT to get out of this town. I can't WAIT to leave. I want to leave sooo badly.

I firmly believe in the quote "someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked with anyone else". It's probably some cheesy quote thought up by a teenager with myspace but it's definately something I think about alot. So here is my "why it never worked out with any else" list. (Yeah, I'm notorious for this; I have terrible luck with boys!)

• C. We were in middle school and he cheated on me. He made his new "girlfriend from church" IM me telling me he hated me. Awesome!
• Z. Because it was too complicated.
• R. Because he went to a different school.
• S. Because he said I had a small chest.
• Z. Because he perferred goth girls.
• R. Because I wasn't interested.
• H. Because I didn't believe in premarital sex. No joke, he actually told my best friend he no longer found me attractive because I believed in that.
• G. Because he was so weird. But we liked eachother :-/
• B. Because he was horny 24/7 and lived in another state.
• C. Because he was also horny 24/7 and lived in another state.
• A. Because I wasn't interested. And when I was, he moved on.
• S. Because I was too shy to tell him I liked him back.
• S. Because we weren't the same ethnicity.
• J. Because he always stared at my boobs. And continued even when I put my jacket on.
• J. Because he only liked hugging me. But not talking to me. 
• T. Because my friend liked him alot. And we weren't allowed to go out.
• M. Because I was too young.
• K. Because it just didn't.
• J. Because he believed in bros over hoes.

So that's my "w.i.n.w.w.a.e. list". You guys should all post yours so we can mope about how much people are missing out on!!1!11!!! Just kidding. We'll probably end the night complaining about how much acne we have and eating tons of ice cream. Sounds good to me!

Dang, I haven't written anything on this in about a week. And no "real" posts in like... two months. These days I'm just too tired and I have no time for ANYTHING. All my time is spent at school, hating school, or bitching about school. Oops. Then I got the massive amounts of homework, plus all the other shenanagins I've been putting my time into.... art contests (I'll post them here later!), volunteering, church stuff, and countless other things.... I don't even have time to hang out with my friends. When I'm not doing busy work, I'm at school -___-. Yesterday, I thought I'd have to pull an allnighter, but I went to bed at 5 (with tons of work left to do). I don't like this!

Part of what makes this allllll okay is:

1. I LOVE being busy. I love having things to do and places to go.... I'm glad I can never complain that I spent the evening watching CSI reruns or something stupid like that because I'm bussssyyyy!

2. I got accepted to Texas Christian University! That was one of my top choices. Also, I got a 40K scholarship to Baylor University. Oh, and idk if I mentioned it here, but I got into Auburn, too! That was my top choice too :) It's so awesome that everything is just falling into place.... So amazing. God really does pull through and makes things twist into something you cannot imagine. Like, getting into most of the colleges I applied to! Just three months ago I didn't think any of this was possible. I thought that I'd only be accepted to like, two schools, so I applied for so many.

3. I am now the coordinator (not just a teacher) of the 3 and 4 year old sunday school!!!! I'm seriously really honored and sooooooo pumped. I will not mess this up, it's too darn exciting. Now I get to teach every week and even boss people around.... ha. But I'm just so excited to go back to children's ministry :D

4. Project 365 ended on November 13th! As usual, I had no time to actually take a photo on that date. And I haven't posted anything on that date either. Lol. Ovbiously I didn't take this project very seriously....

The reason I started p365 was actually... to document my relationship with my boyfriend, Kevin at that time. We had been together for two years and this project was suposed to be comprised of photos of us through yet another year. The first few photos in this project were of us (hanging out at the mall, etc.)... but it slowly changed. The year progressed and photos were of other things, not just us, like I had previously planned (not like we can take a photo every day reguardless! Bwahaha).

So I read about the project sometime in september and thought, hey, this'll be fun! I could incorperate photoshop and other elements into it. Even post some artworks as my photo-of-the-day. I decided eventually to start on november 13th because then this project would have a "purpose". Anyway, after the first two weeks I was mistaken; no way I could ever have the time to take a photo SIMPLY for the project purpose. So the entire year was me catching up on photos weeks later, pretending I took that specific photo on that day, when really, I hadn't touched my camera in weeks. Hahaha, oh well. I'm not too upset, I don't really... care >__>. Note to self: don't do this project again. I'm not creative enough for a billion self portraits so... yeah. Taking photos is fun but not every day for a "project". Yuck. In the middle of the year, however, I finally upgraded to a DSLR camera and it was awesome :) I guess my "photography skill" remained the same, but again, I don't really care. I never took this project or photography in general seriously and only continued on because I'm not one of those people who give up easily, even if it's a dumb cause. Also cause I'm too damn prideful. Like the one time I ordered durian smoothie at a restaurant even though both my parents told me not to. I took that sucker home and drank sips of it over the course of three days.... Yeah moving on.

As you may already know, I broke up with Kevin in the middle of the summer. I've even writtein college essays about out relationship and posted them here on xanga about it, if you're interested, you can read them here. But even before then, this project dwindled to other topics.... While I still posted tons of pictures of Kevin and I, in was mixed with photos of my family, my best friends, cool stuff I've done. I'll admit that the time we've been together wasn't the best. Like my essays say, I was a monster. Even I wasn't cool with myself. But I'll also say that I'd definately wouldn't be here without the relationship. This project had become more of a self-realization journey then one to document our relationship. And I was fine with that. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I never took this project seriously - it still meant alot to me. This project wasn't about us - it started to become about me. And other people who made me, me. This november 13th, I wasn't thinking about Kevin. Heck, I didn't even remember it was a special date until just then, lololol. Now as things have it, he's a total loser. He got in trouble for selling drugs and there's a huge chance he can't even graduate this year. He's ran away from home or as he puts it , "hangs out with his friends without telling his parents" and they frantically call me, asking if I have a clue where he is. He hasn't applied anywhere and he just plans on renting out an apartment and partying every day. It's weird to see... that I can't even respect this guy anymore. I used to think he was my world! And now... we couldn't be any more opposite. But honestly, I don't even think about this very much. After breaking up with him, I strived to become more and more independent. I went on alot of dates after that (they all were just fun). I made alot of new friends. This year, I finally got a car! I made it to senior year. I had an amazing birthday. I went on more family trips. I've begun to appreciate my family more. Oh this is random but last night, I felt really sick after volunterring in the cold for a seven hour football game, and came home to my room, which was all clean because my sisters felt like cleaning it for me :D and my mom who made my two favorite things. My dad helped me out big time on a lab report I've been stressing out on for a long time. I know this is kind of trivial - but this year I've defintely fell more in love with these amazing people. This year, I got my first job, quit my first job, I failed my first class. I got paid to take photos, attended more school-sponsored events than ever, and experienced more of Austin than I ever have. I got new best friends, I lost best friends. I finally found my music taste! I think I experienced the closest thing to "romantic love". I also experienced the most defintely, for-sure means of "God's Love" (which by the way is amazing and has no bounds) during late night prayer meetings. But above all, I finally discovered what was most important and who really matters.

And that is why I'm going to conclude this entry, my mock "november 13th entry" with a picture of my best friend, Ali. (oh and me! I'm in here too!)

This girl is sooooooo cool. She was one of the first friends I made at WW. She is so amazing and has stuck by me through thick and thin, even if I didn't do the same (which I havne't, because I'm full of fail and undeserving of this awesome chica). And if there's anything she's taught me - it's that boys are stupid and lame. Your friends are the ones who shape you. There really isn't any replacement for a friendship on earth than with your best best friends.

Ali Diaz-Tello is my best best friend!